Jealousy rears its ugly head

 

I like to think of myself as an eternal optimist. Glass half full, sunshine after rain, silver linings type stuff. I believe strongly in carrying myself in a very calm, emotionally balanced manner, and that has more or less come to define who I am as a person. More often than not, there are two sides to every issue, and it is a point of pride for me that I sit firmly atop the fence, peering over both sides of the argument. 

Which makes it all the more strange to me when jealousy rears its ugly head. (Yeah I did.)

There are times when there is absolutely no basis for my fits of jealousy. No prior history to suggest or suspect any wrongdoing, no current information from which to draw upon... absolutely nothing. I'll just be sitting in my apartment, watching Friends and eating a cup of noodles when (unannounced, and rabid as Mel Gibson drunk in a synagogue) the jealousy monster explodes inside my brain.

"Where is she? What is she doing? Why hasn't she texted me? Why did this guy 'like' her picture? Is she just over it, or is something bothering her? It's already been 10 minutes!"

Just typing these words out is embarrassing. Now the fact that they were actually running through my brain... well that's a little troublesome. Where do these emotions come from? I feel like I don't trust anybody in the world as I do this young lady, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she has that same trust in me and the relationship we are building. So... what's the deal?

Maybe it's a self-confidence thing. There's not a person on earth who hasn't had issues with self-confidence. Sometimes it's hard to believe that somebody else could fully accept you for who you are. And I don't mean the fun loving, social butterfly that you are; I mean the weird, quirky, selfish, individual human being that you are. But there comes a time when you need to look and the mirror, and just say to yourself, "You are awesome. And I accept that about you."  

You know, that sounds pretty motivational actually. I think I might give that a try someday.


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I like to think of myself as very self-aware. I know my strengths as well as my flaws, I can realize when I'm in the wrong, and I can identify when I am acting irrationally. So why is it that jealousy sends me into a manic fury in which I am completely consumed and blinded by ideas (imagined or otherwise) that have formed in my wild imagination? To answer this question, I did what any logical person would do in this day and age. I googled it.
 

Howstuffworks.com is a great database detailing... well, how stuff works. I was led specifically to "How Jealousy Works". Apparently, jealousy has its own formula. Oh, here's an insightful bit of information... 

"(M)any psychologists believe that women are inclined to be jealous more often, simply because they tend to be more honest and in touch with their emotions than their male counterparts." So that's what it feels like to be emasculated by an internet article! It would make sense though. Women definitely operate off of emotion and feelings more than men, so it would follow that they would experience the emotion of jealousy more often and more intensely than men.   

I guess in the end, while I was really looking for a solution to my problem, the best I could find (and probably the best anyone can do) is find a way to manage and control my jealousy. Everybody experiences it, and the key is really in recognizing when jealousy is affecting us, and then using our own personal method of managing the mental chaos. I, for example, enjoy expressing my feelings on blogs. 

And after reading that article, I'm going to stop watching chick flicks. 

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“O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; it is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock the meat it feeds on.” -Shakespeare, Othello